The 13 Books You Need to Read to Understand Modern Relationships

For anyone trying to get inside of the head of a person who can’t commit, this novel’s for you. Nate Piven is a twenty-something writer at the top of his game, flitting from assignment to assignment—and woman to woman—when he meets one who makes him start to wonder if that’s the life he really wants. Nate is flawed, and reading this novel is sometimes infuriating (while I consider it to be one of the best books about relationships on the planet, I have also literally thrown it across the room), but that’s mostly because it’s so spot-on in its depiction of modern relationship dynamics.

When she turned 25, Katie Heaney had everything she was expected to: a college degree, friends, and family. Everything, that is, except a boyfriend. In fact, she had never been in a relationship, short or long term. In this laugh-out-loud funny memoir, she examines her romantic past, present, and future (with the help, of course, of her loyal and equally hilarious friends and a rotating roster of guys) in an honest, relatable, and, pleasantly surprising feminist way.

We all love to be in love, but what happens after the honeymoon phase? In Alain de Botton’s thought-provoking novel, that question is answered through Rabih and Kirsten, who fall in love, get married, have children, and then have to figure out what comes next. As we follow them through each stage, success, and struggle, the author interweaves philosophy and annotations to show the realities of modern relationships.

A new Netflix film starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford, this novel tells the story of Addie Moore—a lonely widow, living far from her children, who makes an arrangement with her neighbor and friend, widower Louis Waters, that they will become each other’s companion. As they come to know each other better, a beautiful story of intimacy, friendship, and second chances emerges.

Read the full review of OUR SOULS AT NIGHT.

Though this bestselling investigation into the sexual, economic, and emotional lives of women throughout history is not centered specifically around love or relationships, it speaks volumes about our culture’s views on them. As she researched the phenomenon of the single woman in the United States, Rebecca Traister began to discover that it goes back decades—centuries, even—linking it to periods of extraordinary social change. This is a fantastic and fascinating read, one that reminds us of the importance of choice in our romantic lives, and how what we decide has the power to influence the world around us.

This series of linked novellas introduces a group of vulnerable and unforgettable characters, including an overweight young woman, a bartender/poet, a Boston controlling manager, and a teenage girl, each of whom is seeking love, lust, and gratification from the world around them. Andre Dubus III beautifully captures the raw humanity of this search, expanding upon themes of discontent, hope, forgiveness, tenderness, and disappointment.

In this evocative and emotional memoir, columnist Michael Ausiello recounts the 14 years he spent with his husband, Kit, the last of which was spent combating a rare and aggressive cancer that eventually took Kit’s life. Oscillating between past and present, SPOILER ALERT: THE HERO DIES is the heartbreaking and hilarious true story of a partnership and a love that transcends its tragic end.

Written more than a decade ago but more relevant than ever, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU is the ultimate tough love guide, breaking down the typical thoughts and actions of modern men and reexamining familiar scenarios that put people back into the patterns they swear they’ll never follow again. It’s like sitting across the table from your most honest friend, who tells you you’ll thank her later (and you probably will).

If you’ve ever wondered if one decision changed the course of your life, this novel is for you. At the age of 29, Hannah Martin still has no idea what she’s doing. She’s moved around, switched jobs, and is living in her best friend’s guest room when one night, she goes out to a bar and runs into her ex. Just after midnight, she finds herself facing two choices: go home with Gabby, or leave with Ethan. As concurrent storylines play out with the effects of every possible scenario, we’re brought on a heartfelt and thought-provoking journey about fate, love, and identity.

When it was first published in 2015, Hanya Yanagihara’s novel stunned readers with its intensity and subject matter. While it may not be for the faint of heart, her evocative tale of four college classmates—Jude, Willem, Malcolm, and Jean-Baptiste—who move to New York together and experience every kind of high and low, is not only about modern love and relationships but also about the people we choose to be our family and friends, who we allow into our lives and hearts, and the struggles we deal with from day to day.

Read the full review of A LITTLE LIFE.

When it comes to this topic, actor and intellectual Aziz Ansari literally wrote the book. With the assistance of an NYU sociologist, he designed a massive research project, with hundreds of interviews and focus groups, conducted all over the country, to find out how the process of love has changed in the age of technology. But don’t worry—it still has that trademark Ansari wit, which makes for an entertaining and enlightening read.

Read the full review of MODERN ROMANCE.

When writers Ann Patchett and Lucy Grealy met in college and subsequently attended the Iowa Writers’ Workshop together, a friendship began that would define their lives. Ann’s account of that bond and the final years of Lucy’s life (she lost her battle with cancer in 2002) is moving, funny, and resonant. Their relationship is not romantic, but it’s clear, as Ann paints this beautiful portrait of a friendship, that through good and bad, she and Lucy were soul mates.

In 2015, Mandy Len Catron wrote a piece for the popular Modern Love column about testing out a list of questions that, according to a study, would result in two people falling in love. This collection continues the themes and questions she introduced in that piece—What makes love last? How damaging can our cultural narratives about relationships be?—in smart, witty, and vulnerable essays that draw on her personal life and her observations of the culture at large. In the age of apps, blind dates, chance encounters, and doubt, HOW TO FALL IN LOVE is a fascinating study of how people find and keep each other.